I was actually excited to be going to bed only a little bit later than I should have been, with a busy Friday of teaching ahead of me, full of exhausted little ones and the need for lots of energy and patience, topped by a busy afternoon and evening. But between being just a little too warm, there being a little more noise than normal in the house, and not being as exhausted as I had thought, (hmm... and maybe just a little too much caffeine as well...) I just couldn't sleep. That's ok, I thought, At least I'm resting. But then my mind ramped up with ideas for how I could be spending this time that I wasn't spending sleeping... then a text came in from a friend with a burden, and I began praying as well as trying to sleep. All the while, thoughts for this post kept occurring, and I was trying to mentally file them away for later and get the rest that I was sure I needed.
Finally, I gave up trying to sleep, yielded to what I finally admitted was the Holy Spirit's prompting to get up and write this blog post, turned on the light, and got out my laptop.
That was when I saw the spider.
With a heavy sigh, I grabbed a tissue, moved a stool over to where the spider was, and climbed aboard. What am I doing, Lord? I wondered. I'm supposed to be sleeping, getting rest for the busy day of ministry You have called me to, but here I am, standing on tiptoe, precariously trying to kill a spider in the middle of the night, completely wide awake.
(for all you non-teachers out there, 10:30 on a Thursday night is, practically speaking, the middle of the night. Once school starts, my bedtime closely resembles that of my seven-year-old students whenever possible. 4:45 comes ridiculously quickly during the school year.)
I took a breath, and reached for the spider, which promptly performed evasive maneuvers, dropping out of sight behind some furniture. Now I am really awake.
Then my friend texted again, this time having received some very sad news. I knew that was partly why God allowed me to be awake right then, so I could be there for her and pray for her.
* * *
Sometimes God's will for us seems confusing. Sometimes we can think we have it all figured out and begin to expect things to go the way we have figured they should go, getting annoyed when God has other plans. (Like being awake at 11:00 writing a blog post on a school night...)
And yet, who are we to be annoyed at anything God plans? He knows and wants the very best for us, and when there are difficulties or God redirects us, they are always for our best good --even when (especially when) those unexpected turns of providence go against our view of what is "good" for us. (Like a good night's sleep before a challenging day.)
Even when you are surrendered to God's will for your life, it can be confusing trying to sort out the details of what God wants you to do. For example, my parents and I were cleaning out the garage last weekend and I suddenly found myself staring down at several boxes of my toys from childhood... you know, the special ones you save to pass along to the next generation.
When I packed those boxes before our move almost ten years ago, my impatient 20-year-old self never would have imagined that I would be opening them again at 30, with the odd task of deciding what to pass along to nieces and what to keep --whether to keep-- any for that "someday", "if I ever have kids".
But there I sat, pulling out toys, each one bringing so many memories to the surface, enjoying seeing them, but determined to be ruthlessly realistic, determined to keep only the ones that were the most special, that I would want to stay in the family regardless, asking God whether or not I should even keep any of it, or if I should try to pass all of it along.
But, despite the confusion of working to stay surrendered to God's present will for me while trying to be open to whatever the future might hold, not knowing what that might be or how to plan, the task of sorting and deciding was much less difficult than I had expected. And in the process, God allowed me to find a specific toy that sparked an idea which grew into a little story that I am now hoping to have my artist sister illustrate for me and turn into a children's picture book. --All because of that confusing process of unboxing, sorting, purging, and re-boxing.
I don't know yet what will come of that story, or of those freshly re-packed boxes full of memories, but I do know that when God's will gets confusing, the best --the only truly helpful thing-- is to take our eyes off our expectations or ideas of what God's will is or should be, and to submit to His good and perfect plan for that moment...and for all the moments after.
--Even at a quarter 'till midnight on a school night.
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